OK, stop that. Whatever you're doing.
Yes, that. Stop whatever it is your doing, and what's this.
In the balmy summer of 1954 the prime
time variety showcase of American comedian Red Skelton boasted three
special guest stars in a spooky, elongated skit. Lon Chaney Jr,
firmly established as one of the few bonafide US horror stars of the
post-war era and still a much-loved celebrity; Vampira, at that point
still the macabre host of a horror showcase TV show; and Bela Lugosi,
his career at an all-time low, struggling to resurrect his career. As
a slice of timeless gothica, it is irreplaceable, uncanny, and
perfect.
Beginning with a scene of Lugosi
watching the start of the show on a small television, it moves on to
the then-standard format of a corporate sponsor introducing the show
(in this case, Geritol). Announcing that Red Skelton will be starring
in 'Dial B For Brush', it sets off into an opening gag where Skelton
is offered a job as a door-to-door brush salesman on wages of $12 a
week, with $15 a week deductions (“Sure I'll take it, I need the
money!”) and sent on the worst sales job purely to get him out of
the picture.
Cut to a spooky castle laboratory, and
Lugosi in lab coat singing jollily as he sharpens his tools. Examining
the sleeping girl on the slab, he laments “They don't make gurls
like dis anymooor!”. The wolfman (his 'half brother/half wolf') is
Chaney, gurning comically through oversized teeth. Mistreated, he's
keen to make it up to Dr Lugosi - “Didn't I get your lunch from the
blood bank?”. Lugosi explains his plan to place a 'new, unused
brain' into the body of a robot, to unlock the secrets of the
universe.
Skelton arrives at the door, and is
promptly mailed by Chaney. “This is going to be an easy sale!”,
he yelps cheerily. As they are sizing him up the slab appears
again, the woman screaming unprompted. “Don't ad lib, kid –
you're among stars!” Determined to make the sale, Skelton exclaims
“I never say die!”, to which Lugosi and Chaney reply in unison
“...but we do!”. Drugged, Skelton falls unconscious, Lugosi
dances and sings “It's so peeeecceful in de graaaveyaaard!”, and
part one of the skit is over.
The second part begins with dancing
skeletons, which look quite impressive even today, before Skeleton
awakes in a graveyard with Lugosi and Chaney. “Where am I?
Pasadena?” Then, stage left, enters Lugosi's 'half-sister' Vampira
who instantly lets rip a characteristic shriek. Spotting some new
blood in the water in the form of Skelton, she invites him to call
her 'after he's dead'. Skelton is unconvinced by her advances - “This
is a physical impossibility” (we've all been there). Subsequently
hypnotised by Vampira, Skelton is taken to the lab in the graveyard.
After the transformation, Skelton
behaves less like a wise god but as a small child – cue much
corpsing (no pun intended!) amongst the cast. Lugosi implores him –
“Give me the information! I must have the information!”, and when
he can't hear Skelton's reply Lugosi looks confused, misses his line,
and everyone corpses again. Skelton chases them around the lab,
amidst many groans and wails, and Vampira emerges from a slab in the
wall to exclaim “Be quiet! You're making enough noise to wake the
living!” And then, stage right, enters Geritol-man again to bring
proceedings to a close.
It's frenetic 20 minutes of chaos,
chills, and sheer joy. Not only are the characters smiling as they
perform their macabre work, but the actors are too – it's a
wonderful slice of spooky from the golden age of American gothic, and
after watching it this terrifying world doesn't seem so bad.
So, yes. Stop whatever it is you're
doing, and watch this. After all, it's so peaceful in the graveyard...
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